Writing “Take rejections as it is: No as a No and do not follow a bad advice”, because I see and read a lot of stupid advice on the Internet regarding relationships and if people accept those advice, then they will follow and create unhealthy behavioral patterns and start to behave in an unhealthy way.
Getting to know someone
How not to get closer to someone?
For example for a question what should I do to get closer to a women or what steps should I take, I read the following answers:
- be her friends,
- compliment her,
- get closer to her,
- give signs, that you want something,
- never give up on her.
Bad advice can generate bad behavioral patterns
These advices are usually wrong or at least not useful and some cases you or advice just make everything worse than it is or was.
It is better if you accept that a woman does not want you. If you are not stalking only chasing her, she can still go to the police and ask help or reporting you if she does not want you to be close to her.
Normal people do not want stalkers, and people who are chasing them with their “love“. Most people want to live normally. Stalking is a criminal offense.
If you have a crush and your crush does not have a crush on you that is a problem and you might create a bigger problem for you as it is/was, for example you start to chase your “crush” with your love. Normal people feel this disturbing if they do not want you, it means you hurt the other person boundaries.
Hurting boundaries can create a behaviour when you became a
- chaser, which is offensive behaviour and, in some cases, can generate
- stalking, which means unwanted/repeated surveillance by an individual or group toward another person. Stalking behaviors are interrelated to harassment and intimidation and can include following the victim in person or monitoring them. This can include cyberstalking too according to wikipedia. To read more about State and Federal Stalking Laws please read this article about stalking and cyberstalking.
If you are too persistent and have a never give up attitude then you might end up in jail by not accepting that the other person has boundaries, what you just do not understand, because you follow stupid advice from the internet, or you just do not want to give up, because you are that stubborn.
What is healthy vs. unhealthy?
Most normal people do not like, when strangers or people like colleagues or classmates trying to get closer to them, when they do not want it either, but they will not tell you this all the time. If you are so inexperienced or stupid, then you might do not understand the signs that someone might does not want you.
For a relationship you need TWO people. One is not enough, so just because you have a crush on someone that will be not enough and three is usually too much if you are not polyamorous. “Polyamory is the nonpossessive, honest, responsible, and ethical philosophy and practice of loving multiple people simultaneously,” according to the Polyamory Society.
This means that you need TWO people for a relationship if we speak about monogamous relationships, and if you start to chase someone most of the time it is does not generate the results you want to see.
Avoid being offensive
I was thinking it is a good idea to clarify some of the following statements or “good advice”, which you can read on the Internet:
You can take any steps to get closer to a woman, but if SHE doesn’t like or want anything from you, then follow these steps:
- accept it,
- let go &
- move on.
Just because you want something it doesn’t mean women want something too.
Reasons
A woman can have
- relationship, partner already without even telling you she has (might has been raised in an effective way and pay attention to her privacy),
- another personality type she likes,
- another appearance on men she likes,
- another idea regarding what kind of man she wants,
- another idea regarding the future she wants.
Women don’t like people who don’t understand NO!
Don’t make her uncomfortable
It’s very disturbing when as a woman does her own things meanwhile someone from outside wants her without even asking if she wants him too. Communication is important, so ask her and if she rejects you then accept. If you cannot accept a No and think it is normal if someone chasing someone else with love or anything else, then your boundaries are different from others have or your family is a bit abusive.
Signs you are not her “crush” and you won’t be
If you don’t get a NO, it is still can be a NO, if women
- don’t care about you even if you try, then you are NOT their crush,
- don’t care how you feel, or what you do, then it is a NO!
- don’t care about you, but you go after them like a little puppy, then it is a big NO!
- don’t want to hear from you it is a NO!
- don’t want to see you, then it is a NO!
- not interested in you, then it is a NO even if you don’t understand it is a NO!
- Not looking at you then 80-90% that she is not shy, but she doesn’t like you that much as you wish!
Accept decisions
Women can decide what they want and what they don’t
- if they want you, then you will see that they want you, as you will see signs,
- if they don’t want you then there are signs, that they don’t want you, just because you are inexperienced, or stubborn not to see those signs that doesn’t mean they are not exist…
Accept that women have ideas about life and partner not just you!
Everyone has a right to decide what they want and say NO!
Things matter
It means things does matter look, money, appearance, outfit, size does matter, just not equally for everyone. It is different for everyone, but just because you read it doesn’t matter from a writer who write things to buy the book, he/she sell and feel yourself good that doesn’t mean it’s true.
Looks matter for you too if she wouldn’t look that pretty you wouldn’t want her either, so when she says a NO it means a NO, not shyness. Life not fair, get used to it. The sooner the better. Not you are the only one and the last one who will get a NO, and not you are the one who needs to accept and move on.
So better if you accept & move on!
Life is not like in the movies that in the end you will get whatever you want…you don’t know what others need to get used to it, so before you start to feel sorry for yourself. Look around…
Terrible advice what you should not follow
1. Be her friend’s first
I read someone wrote be friends first. A friend is in the friend’s zone. You are either in the friend’s zone or not in the friends’ zone. None of my friends had a relationship with a partner who started out as a friend. It might be a promising idea when you are kids/teenagers to get friends, but if you are adults, then You will never get out from the friend’s zone if you get in.
2. Compliment her
Don’t compliment if she doesn’t care. If you compliment all the time when she doesn’t want, then you will be a problem.
If the girl is pretty then she gets used to it that she receives a ton of compliments, which means you will be one person from a crowd. You might misunderstand a simple thank you & smile. 😊
She might have been raised to be polite, which means she will say thank you & smile, and you might think this means she wants something more as you have feelings regarding her, but she does not. It can be very disturbing to women.
Just because someone is nice with you it does not mean she wants anything from you romantically.
3. Get close to her
No, if women don’t want you, then stay far please! She doesn’t need you close if she doesn’t want you! As I wrote previously, she might feel you are a chaser/stalker, or do not know, where her boundaries are…
Here is an example:
if you do not like dogs then you do not want to get close to dogs (replace is with whatever you do not like), so stay far away from people who does not want to get close to you. They will not like you even if you will be nicer, kinder, richer, happier, more extrovert/introvert/ambivert etc. etc. etc.
Try to accept decisions what people were making and do not try to aggressively change them.
4. Never give up
Do the opposite, give up & move on! Most women do not need anyone who chasing them, they prefer to decide whom they want.
5. Be a good listener
If you listen her life problems, it doesn’t mean she will want you. Most people not going to eat into the same place where they are throwing the waste. If you don’t want to be used out….
Being a good listener is important in a relationship when you are already in one, otherwise NO! If you are not in the friends’ zone, it doesn’t mean you are in a men/dating zone, it might mean you are in the nowhere zone! Respect yourself and you will feel less like an idiot next time.
Some other thoughts and advice
6. You are not in a movie
Accept that you are not in a movie, most of the time she will not change her mind even if you do not give up. You will be not forever together just like in romantic movies. Let go your thinking, because they will not come alive just because you have pink dreams, and you have watched too much romantic movies.
7. She is not like others
Don’t start to think you know her. Everyone is unique. Let’s say there is eight billion people in the world and four billion is women. This doesn’t mean she is the same as the other four billion women.
Everyone had different life experiences, have different boundaries and ideas about life.
8. She is a different person than what you see
If you see her in the school, gym, or workplace often then you might think you know her. That is not true. You don’t know her or her life. You see how she behaves in school, gym, or a workplace that’s all.
She might be not that formal or friendly or she is much more formal or friendlier, just don’t jump into false conclusions on the long run from her behavior.
9. I want to get to know her
That is not enough as I told previously for a relationship you need TWO people. One is not enough and three is too much. Two needs it. If she doesn’t want to get to know you, then accept & move on.
Most people hate others who don’t understand NO.
You might
- be inexperienced,
- have a chaser/stalker attitude,
- don’t have or have different boundaries,
- don’t understand signs, but a NO is still a NO without being spoken out.
10. She doesn’t have a boyfriend, so she is free to meet me
Haha NO!
- How do you know she doesn’t have? If she cares about her privacy, she can have a perfect relationship or marriage without you do not even know about it.
- Even if she doesn’t have how do you know she want to speak with you?
- How do you know she is even considered you to be a boyfriend or be in a relationship with you?
There are a lot of people out there who do not care about privacy, but others do care.
Not everyone single wants a relationship; not everyone wants a boyfriend, not everyone wants to date. Not everyone wants you just because they are single. Ohh and not everyone is single. That’s the truth.
You might have assumptions, but they might be not true. The same assumptions might help in business, but not in relationships. To learn more about it read Solving problems with assumptions article.
11. Accept, let go & move on
Don’t start to follow her, thinking later she will change her mind. She won’t. Most people don’t need fans, and followers.
They want to live their life normally without secret admires, chasers or stalkers. So, it is better if You
Go, find someone else for you & try again.
Self-development
Most of the time you do not know something when you are just trying and trying and trying and you do not get a chance. Either you follow bad advice, or you do not understand what’s going on. Try to develop yourself and understand what you do not know, because it can be life changing when you realize what you did not know before.
You do not like everyone, and you need to accept the same from others too.
If you do not understand simple things like this that means you do not understand yourself. Self-development is important to understand yourself to understand others too.
Do not chase people who does not want you. This happening mostly when people are inexperienced and do not know what they do not know.
Experience life and do not follow bad advice. Chasing is offensive. If you commit a crime you go to jail even if you do not know what was in the law. So, if you are chasing/stalking women who do not want you then you might end up in the same place as you can be reported to the police.
Self-development can help you to understand
- yourself,
- what you like,
- what are your values and
- what you want and do not.
After getting to know yourself and meeting with lots of people you will understand yourself better. If you understand yourself, then you will understand others better and you will understand what motivates others, although you still can misunderstand them, because you do not know everything.
Hopefully now you understand why self-development is important and why not to follow a bad advice.