Our brains are wired to seek pleasure and avoid pain, but sometimes this wiring can trap us in unhealthy or toxic relationships. Just like with gambling or drug addiction… The emotional highs and lows of toxic relationships can create powerful cycles of addiction.
These cycles are driven by the brain’s chemistry, making it difficult to break free, even when we know the relationship is harmful. Understanding this dynamic can be the first step toward reclaiming control over your emotional well-being.
Note: This article is not written by a psychologist but by someone deeply interested in the biochemical aspects of unhealthy or toxic relationships. The insights shared are based on research and personal understanding of how brain chemistry influences emotional behavior. For professional advice, please consult a qualified mental health expert.
In the next article you can read more about The Power of Brain Chemistry in Building Healthy Relationships.
The Chemistry of Heartache: How Brain Chemistry Can Make You Addicted to an Unhealthy and Toxic Relationships
Relationships are often described as rollercoasters, full of ups and downs, twists and turns.
But what if those emotional highs and lows weren’t just metaphorical?
What if your brain was literally becoming addicted to the intensity of an unhealthy relationship, making it difficult to let go, even when you know it’s harmful?
Understanding the chemical reactions in the brain can shed light on why we sometimes cling to relationships that hurt us.
The Role of Dopamine: The Brain’s Reward System
What is Dopamine?
Dopamine is often referred to as the “feel-good” neurotransmitter as we already wrote a lot about The Role of Dopamine in the previous article, because it is associated with pleasure, reward, and motivation.
Dopamine is released in the brain during activities that are enjoyable or rewarding, such as
- eating a delicious meal,
- achieving a goal, or
- spending time with loved ones.
However, dopamine’s role extends beyond mere pleasure; it also influences
- attention, and
- the formation of habits,
making it a central player in human behaviour.
The “feel-good” chemical
Dopamine is one of the most important neurotransmitters in the brain’s reward system. It’s often referred to as the “feel-good” chemical because it’s released when we experience something pleasurable, like
- eating delicious food,
- receiving a compliment, or
- being in love.
New relationships trigger dopamine release
In the context of relationships, especially new ones, dopamine surges when we receive affection, attention, or validation from our partner.
These moments of joy and connection create a powerful feeling of euphoria. This can reinforcing our desire to be with the person who is triggering this dopamine release.
The role of dopamine in toxic relationships
However, in toxic relationships, these dopamine spikes can become intertwined with moments of tension and conflict.
In a toxic relationships, moments of affection, validation, or reconciliation trigger dopamine release, creating feelings of pleasure and euphoria. These positive moments become intensely rewarding, especially when they follow periods of conflict or emotional distress.
This reinforcement keeps you emotionally attached. As your brain begins to crave these dopamine-driven highs, despite the negative aspects of the relationship.
Over time, this cycle of highs and lows can make it difficult to leave the relationship. As the brain becomes addicted to the unpredictable rewards.
The Intermittent Reinforcement Trap: Why the Lows Make the Highs Sweeter
The vicious cycle aka the Pattern of Intermittent Reinforcement
Unhealthy relationships are often characterized by a pattern of intermittent reinforcement—a concept borrowed from behavioral psychology.
In this context, intermittent reinforcement occurs when positive moments (the highs) are unpredictable and infrequent (as written above). And interspersed with negative experiences (the lows).
The factor of Unpredictability
This unpredictability keeps the brain constantly guessing and craving the next “reward,” similar to the way gambling addiction works.
When your partner’s behavior is inconsistent—showering you with love one moment and withdrawing it the next—your brain becomes fixated on those rare positive interactions.
The uncertainty heightens the anticipation, making the moments of affection feel even more rewarding.
The “emotional rollercoaster” effect
This cycle can make you feel like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster, where the lows are agonizing but the highs are intensely satisfying. Reinforcing your attachment to the relationship. (Read more about the definiton of the emotional rollercoaster here.)
Cortisol: The Stress Hormone That Keeps You Hooked
Cortisol is the body’s primary stress hormone. Released in response to fear or stress as part of the “fight or flight” mechanism.
In an unhealthy relationship,
- constant arguments,
- emotional abuse, or
- the fear of losing your partner can lead to chronic cortisol release.
Over time, this constant state of stress can make you anxious and hyper-vigilant. Always on the lookout for the next emotional blow.
Ironically, when a moment of calm or affection finally arrives, the relief you feel is amplified. It is because it contrasts so sharply with the stress you’ve been under.
This relief, coupled with the dopamine hit, can reinforce your attachment to the relationship. Creating a vicious cycle where you become addicted to the intense emotional experiences—even the negative ones.
Oxytocin: The Bonding Hormone That Can Trap You
The “love hormone”
Oxytocin, often called the “love hormone,” is released during moments of physical and emotional intimacy, such as
- hugging,
- kissing, and
- sexual activity.
This hormone fosters bonding and attachment, making you feel closer to your partner.
In a healthy relationship, oxytocin strengthens the emotional connection between partners, building trust and a sense of security.
The hormone which makes you attached
However, in an unhealthy relationship, oxytocin can complicate your ability to leave.
Even when you know it’s the right thing to do.
The bonding effect of oxytocin can make you feel emotionally tethered to your partner. Overriding rational decisions to end the relationship.
Breaking the Cycle: How to Rewire Your Brain
Understanding the brain’s role in relationship addiction is the first step toward breaking free from an unhealthy dynamic.
Here’s how you can begin to rewire your brain:
- Awareness and Education: Recognize the patterns of intermittent reinforcement and understand how your brain chemistry is contributing to the addiction. Educating yourself on these concepts can help you see the relationship from a new perspective.
- Create New Habits: Replace the highs and lows of the relationship with healthier habits that trigger dopamine release. Such as exercise, hobbies, or spending time with supportive friends and family.
- Practice Mindfulness and Self-Compassion: Mindfulness can help you stay present and recognize your emotions without becoming overwhelmed by them. Self-compassion allows you to treat yourself with kindness. Reducing the shame or guilt that might keep you trapped in the relationship.
- Seek Professional Help: A therapist can help you understand the underlying reasons for your attachment to an unhealthy relationship. Next provide strategies for breaking free.
- Establish Boundaries: Setting and maintaining clear boundaries can help protect your emotional well-being. Moreover reduce the triggers that lead to stress and cortisol release.
- Allow Time for Healing: Rewiring your brain isn’t an overnight process. Give yourself the time and space to heal from the emotional rollercoaster. Be patient with yourself as you navigate the path to recovery.
Conclusion
While the brain’s chemistry can make it difficult to leave an unhealthy relationship, understanding the science behind your attachment can empower you to take control.
Dating can be easier knowing what you need to know to avoid toxic relationships and to be able to create a healthy one.
By recognizing the influence of dopamine, cortisol, and oxytocin, you can begin to break the cycle of emotional highs and lows.
Freeing yourself to pursue healthier, more fulfilling relationships that truly nurture your well-being.
In the next article you can read more about The Power of Brain Chemistry in Building Healthy Relationships.
Note: This article is not written by a psychologist. But by someone deeply interested in the biochemical aspects of unhealthy relationships. The insights shared are based on research and personal understanding of how brain chemistry influences emotional behavior. For professional advice, please consult a qualified mental health expert.