In this article we speak about how do relationships and connections form our life, which influence ourselves throughout every aspects of life.
What are core values?
This is one of the most important topic regarding life. Core values, connections and relationships defines us and our life.
We form relationships and connections with people whom we share similar values. Knowing your main values in forming new connections and relationships will be guiding that direct your words and actions. If you are not aware of your core values, it will be difficult to find a friend, partner etc. with whom you are truly compatible with, because only feelings for someone; sharing similar interests and hobbies does not equal compatibility according to Psychology Today.
Those values are the foundation of how we live our life. Core values do not change over time meanwhile interests and hobbies can. Talking about those values early on in every relationships are crucial to be able to create and form healthy connections.
Common examples of important core values:
- How you express anger
- Gender roles
- Financial matters
To protect your core values you need to create or have (healthy) boundaries.
Maybe you heared the very famous quote “birds of a feather flock together”. It means those with similar interests or of the same kind tend to form groups.
Friends, family and core values
People in the same groups or circles are people mostly who share similar core values too.
You do not have just friends, but you have friends who either motivate or demotivate you and in reverse. They stand next to you when you need them (at least in the best case). You have people with whom you have similar interest, views or future outlooks. This means You learn together and can motivate each other to be better. This influence all parts of your life from studying, through work, marriage and the the whole perspective of your life.
Your circle of friends and family form a basic support in your life if you need motivation, comfort, people to share your moments, experiences with and if you need help ever. This means people who are around you throughout your life and with whom you have connections with have outstanding influence on you(r) future. Critical to choose them regarding values whom align with yours and have a positive mindset. The topics you speak with people about, how you behave with others, what kind of ideas you have all have impact on your life.
Experiences and responsibilities
For example there are a lot of teenagers who are interested only going to parties. Some of them grow up to be mature and realize there are other aspects of life what worthwhile to experience. For this you might need to take more responsibilites than just going to parties meanwhile you are studying. Trying different activities like volunteering, being part of an association, helping charities, benefit you to grow as a person, then later on for example to create a business etc.
Meanwhile you are taking more responsibilities you find out how to set goals and accomplish them, you can share your experiences with your friends, and you can learn from each other, not just been around people who never do anything just being lazy or staying immature.
Life is much more than this, that is why close connections have huge influence on our lives. They have a vast impact and can inspire us to grow or decline, which means our responsibility regarding choosing them are enormous.
Important to take responsibility for your connections, relationships and boundaries. The latter helps us to define a framework aka our comfortzone and where we are comfortable to live with in connection with our relationships. Our comfortzone can protect us or help us to grow if we know where are the edges of our boundaries. Those influence what we let others to do with us and how we tend to react on other’s behaviour towards us. These all define us.
We, as humans not able to choose our families or where to born, but certainly we can choose later on our connections and with whom we want to have relationships. For instance friends, relationships, penpals, dates, partner for a marriage etc.
Connections form our life
This picture represents the Connections of our lives what found on Instagram and shared on Quora.
The meaning of the post is explained by Sean from Quora who referred that Makolic Crimson explained: “Each line represents the relative closeness of two beings over the course of various kinds of relationships.
For example, the one-night-stand is two lines that cross once, but don’t really interact. It’s a single point of connection, then it’s done. Other lines, like Best Friend – College and First Love influence each other. They have gradual changes that are indicative of a relationship over time. Parent and Dog are both poignant, given that the suddenly terminating line is indicative of the end of a life.
I won’t tell you how to feel about these, or what it “means” from an artistic point of view. But that’s what the lines seem to represent.”
To make good decisions we need to have healthy boundaries, which protect us. We need to take responsibility, to keep them strong enough to create valuable connections and relationships.
This happening only if we became mature enough to know ourselves and our boundaries. We are able to make good decisions for example communicate our boundaries well. Some people make good decisions from start, others make bad decisions first, then learn from them, then make good ones.
However some others make decisions, which are bad, but they can not learn from it. This can happen of they do not understand where it went into a bad direction. (I am telling you where, usually it happens in the very beginning. The point is when you let the first time the other person cross your boundaries).
What are the red flags?
Red flags are come in the beginning of a relationship, when you start to e.g.: speak or chat with someone. The other person starts to behave in ways, which makes you uncomfortable. It means you do not want to speak with them anymore, because either the topic or their behaviour feels disrispectful. Or you make you feel yourself embarrassed or etc.
In that time you have two options to choose:
- You either accept the red flags and speak with them further… That is a good idea if you are testing your boundaries. If you already mature enough to say a nice “No, thank you” later. You are aware enough the situation. You are be able to say no anytime even if that person became your friend.
- You do not accept the person and you reject the further communication with them.
If you are too open minded or have lack of boundaries you might miss red flags. It means you do not have boundaries, or no one taught you how to keep them. On the other hand if you have too much boundaries then you might miss on experiences. You can miss new opportunities, because you always scared from other people behaviour etc.
If you have a small circle. Family or friends: always meeting with the same people you might have no idea what boundaries are for. However if you speak with a lot of people or have more friends from different circles, then you have an idea.
Several times in the beginning of a new relationship you do not want to see the red flags. This is either because you are too impressed by the other person, too curious or lonely…
You can learn about healthy relationships in the “Secrets of a healthy Relationships Quora Space”. There you can ask questions regarding relationships.
Just some green flags if we have already spoken about red ones:
Immature and bad behavioural patterns
This means when people make decisions and turn out later, that it was a bad one. For example someone married, then divorce, then married again and divorce again… etc. They might realize their decisions or behavioral patterns are bad, but no idea how to change. That is why they do again the same failures, and can not break patterns. Those patterns are several times trans-generational ones.
Trans-generational patterns are patterns of behavior or personality characteristics that appear in successive generations. The term often referring to negative or maladaptive behaviors (e.g., drug abuse, adolescent pregnancy, child abuse).
This is because humans have no idea several times what is going on in their life, or about a pattern. They do not know about a role what they are “playing” in their family. It is a very interesting topic that you are “playing” a role you do not even know about.
This means you might be raised to “play those games” with your family and friends. If they were raised in a similar way then you both feel that you are satisfied in that connection/relationship.
As we all know for a connection or a relationship you need at least two people…in some relationships there are 3 or more. These are like polyamorous relationships.
However now we are writing about the monogamous relationships. If both partner have been raised with similar patterns then they might empower those patterns in each other. To learn about something you do not know you need to realize you are in a “game“. It means you are not able to understand a situation if you not understand that someone is “playing” with you…
These are not real games, more like patterns so do not think literally, but more like indirect “games”.
Games People Play in Relationships
To learn more about Relationships and Connections in Our Life you can read several books to reach thorough understanding. One of the best book I have ever read and can recommend is from Eric Berne. He was a Canadian-born well-known psychiatrist. He wrote a theory of transactional analysis as a way of explaining human behavior. In his book Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships he explains his theory in details. The book became a New York Times bestseller and made Berne famous.
The book clearly presented everyday examples of the ways in which human beings are caught up in games they play. Berne gave games memorable titles such as “Now I’ve Got You, You Son of a Bitch”, “Wooden Leg”. “Why Don’t You… / Yes, But…”. “Let’s You and Him Fight”. For example: he said that “any social intercourse (…) has a biological advantage over no intercourse at all”. People need any form of “stroking” (a physical contact, e.g., exchange) to live.
Berne’s another book recommended book is What do you say after you say hello?
In that he explains what makes the winners win, the losers lose, and the in-betweens so boring… His books are quite interesting. Both books are analyzing “games” what people are playing in their connections and relationships. He reveals “how everyone’s life follows a predetermined script – a script they compose for themselves during early childhood.”
Note: just because people playing games that is not always bad. But there are games, which are detrimental, harmful and creating unhealthy relationships. You can be drawned by those games and for example your relationship end in divorce. Other games are helpful to be better in life, work and relationships too.
Threats of social isolation
You can not avoid every games in life. Only if you live alone in a room, but this has no sense.
A well-known research presents in a meta-analytic review that “loneliness and social isolation are high risk factors for mortality”. It means actual and perceived social isolation are both associated with increased risk for early mortality.
Living alone can cause you to die faster because of lonliness. As humans are social creatures. So considering moving to an uninhabited island far from everyone is not a solution you should follow.
Harmony and Balance
Finding balance, learning from failures, making better decisions, knowing more about human behaviour and patterns is a good start. Understanding ourselves and our reactions, developing awareness and understanding towards others help.
Moreover learning how to communicate, define emotions better, forming our connections on an advance level make our life easier. Knowing the differences between ethical vs. unethical behaviour is important. If you are behaving in a positive way towards others this have influence on your life. This has much more influence than not taking responsibility just sitting alone in a room. It worthy to take the risk and our responsibility.
If you are inspired by the article and do not have just try to create healthy boundaries for yourself. After that test, then try again, then adapt, then read more about boundaries, ethics, and ethical behaviour.
You know that Practice makes the master.
Career options in those fields
We see how important the quality of Relationships and Connections in our Life.
If you get inspired you can learn more about human behaviour on different courses and faculties in universities. For example:
- marketing communication,
- political science,
- intercultural or
- mass-media communication and
if you would like to work in this field later on.